I'm not even going to waste my time with clever intro to this because, fuck it, I don't want to skew the message. Because intros can some times drag on, uncontrollably, like Tool's Eulogy track, droning for three minutes until Maynard finally starts belching out some jesus loving lyrics. In my case, there is no Jesus, but there is droning!! Fuck. I just pulled a Tool. Let's get this over with. Here's music I hate, but that everyone else seems to love. Reader beware: I'm about to take a proverbial diarrhea like shit on some of your favorite bands.
Why does everyone love this god damned band? We all remember Yellow, back in 2000. Alot of young, insecure and daft youngsters could identify with this lament(able) song. Like many of my generation, I was once a brief Coldplay fan. But then I quickly got over my insecurities and stopped humming the Yellow chorus because I realized life isn't so bleak after all! Coldplay left my my life as quickly as it entered it!
Or so I thought... Every now and then I would overhear people talking about Coldplay "Oh My GAWD I can't wait to go see Coldplay at the MTS Center in 10 months". Such discourse was becoming way too common. I realized that greater forces were at play here. A quick internet search revealed to me that Coldplay is part of EMI Records, a most powerful music marketing machine. It was clear to me that the opinions of people on the matter were being molded by some powerful Satanic forces, masquerading as the marketing arm of EMI records. Finally EMI had a big hit in North America they could cash in on. Radiohead only appealed to stoners and hippies, but Coldplay really reached the coveted 12 to 25 year-old market, composed mainly of girls. Wallets of EMI leadership and EMI stockholders rejoice!
After the Yellow album, Coldplay's sound deteriorated with every new release. Up to the point where they are today. Even the legendary Brian Eno, the producer of last year's Viva La Vida can't make them sound good. Not even learning from Latin sensation Ricky Martin, a close relative of Chris Martin, by naming their album 'Viva La Vida' can save their faltering relevance.
Luckily for Coldplay, teenagers and insecure single girls in their twenties still love them and I'm sure they will keep polluting the airwaves for years to come.
This band of merry mercenaries proved to me that rock and roll is as dead as it was in 1970 when I recently saw them in Mexico. This band is composed of boring, uncreative types that out of the blue decided to record an album at Jack White's studio. Jack White would this time play the drums, but when he would get up and go to the mic to sing a song, the crowd made sure to go apeshit, because "oh my fuck it's Jack White!". The people going bat-bonkers, obviously, were the 90s leftover crew I was surrounded by. They had long greasy hair, baggy jeans and Led Zeppelin t-shirts.
The Dead Weather represents exactly what their name suggests, something that is DEAD. Power-chord driven drivel pseudo-rock, which is far too 90s nostalgic and executed so poorly they could very easily be compared to your local cover band which for the first time since their beginnings in the early 90s, record an album of originals. Years of covering Rage Against The Machine, Alice In Chains, The Foo Fighters and Everclear would ultimately have a huge impact on their sound and would end up sending the 200 copies of their album straight to the bass player's parent's basement, where the whole experiment would soon be forgotten.
But NAY! This band has Jack White and a couple other jack-offs from other failed experiments such as The Kills, Queens Of The Stone Age and The Raconteurs (don't even get me started on this crap!). SO IT MUST BE GOOD RIGHT!? Such a line-up will blur the critical senses of most easily influenced and gullible human beings. So as a result almost everyone I Know loves this band, even though it sucks way more than The Raconteurs.
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